Span Mail

Every day my inbox is swamped with comments from hundreds of dedicated fans of my website. I’d like to take a moment to just read out some fan mail in my inbox this morning.

SnabyDyenia from writes:

How are things?! forward: high def porn flash player porn  or reall young teen porn free asian porn movies  and my boyfriends mom porn fucking porn sex pussy anal free  . Good-bye!

Thanks Snaby! And cheers for keeping in touch. Continue reading

The Horror of the Yellowbugs

Last week I went camping in Norfolk with my wonderful lady companion and though it wasn’t a long holiday, we’d set aside a day to basically do whatever we wanted (the day after we arrived, to be precise). So when the morning came, on seeing a bright shining sun, I felt the urge to build something. So I figured, let’s head for a beach. You see, despite being a ‘respectable’ adult, I have not lost the need to construct temples to Ra out of sand. I’m actually volatile in temperatures exceeding 30 degrees, so sunbathing is never something I took a liking to, but I don’t know if you can go to a beach when it’s raining. It might be against the law; I don’t know, I’ll look it up. Continue reading

Twenty Ten

Being the year 2010 has understandably made a lot of people very reflective. While I myself, normally more reflective than a centennial summary made of chrome plated mirrors, have been experiencing a pretty passive new year for a change.

One thing I am still disappointed by is that we never did come up with a good name for the Noughties. I still don’t think I can reconcile with that term to the point where I can use it in conversation. But the decade ahead is even worse. Teenies? Oh. Please. No.

But at least we’re in the future now. Aren’t we?

(Web) Development Hell

If there’s one thing the last few years have taught me, other than empirical wisdom and a casual disposition toward oblivion, it’s that me and website development do not mix. Like European dictators and the Russian front, I keep thinking I’m well up to it only to end up falling on my face shortly afterward and wondering where it all went wrong.

I still to date, haven’t really made a website. At least, not one that was at any kind of level of functionality or usage I’m even partially happy with. Open Mind: rubbish. Chrome Gadget: unpublished. Crystal Horizons: devoid of anything interesting. I’ve attributed this infant mortality rate to a number of things, from finance to time to my own fallible self. I seem to assume that because I can use Photoshop, type with two hands, or point to my nose without gouging my own eyes out that I’ve got the skills necessary to be a webpage designer. And on some accounts I would be right. However, it is still harder than it looks. I am beginning to see why you might pay someone to do this; quite simply to avoid having to do it yourself.

My latest attempt is trying to get online (notice its current, glorious form! Yes that’s right, I’ve had it a month and already I’m starting it again). Right now I’ve just begun redoing the pages I did over the past two days, using Frames this time (uurgggh, disgusting!). And now I’ve remembered I hate frames, but dammit I don’t care. I am determined for this one to actually get somewhere, rather than being another sit-on-the-drive website that I never finished because I was never happy with it.
As the warrior horde said to the narrator, GET ON WITH IT!

A New Year

I just watched Yes Man. And then everyone went to the pub, but I came home cause I was all like “nah I got stuff to be getting on with…”. Obviously I learned nothing.

I have felt the need recently to vent into writing but every time I go to make an entry I forget what it was I wanted to say. Chances are that means that nothing’s really bothering me, which is a good thing, right? Or perhaps I’m just in bit of a writing drought; I haven’t worked on any of my books in months at least.

Finishing the monument that was Tales of Wobells over the course of December was probably why for the most part. And maybe a little time for relaxing with Lucy. But as 2009 kicks off, I find myself wishing I were doing more. I want to get out there and ‘soar’. I just have this continuing sensation of trundling down the runway, but those wings aren’t kicking in with the lift just yet.

Speaking of which, got a flying lesson to book sometime. Can’t wait.

Fuel & Paranoia

You know what’s ridiculous (apart from the interval since I last updated)?
Fuel prices!
Am I right? Actually, I am not going to talk about fuel prices at all; partly because, without trying to be smug about it, I remain mostly unaffected. But mainly because it’s all I hear about at the moment.

So instead I’m going to talk about paranoia. People seem to love paranoia these days; I suppose its a reflex action from each successively more twisted crime we hear about. But there seems to be this idea floating about that with enough preparation anything is preventable. I like that notion in a way, it sounds like the kind of theorem that would work. Nevertheless I don’t believe it’s completely true. There are some things that you just can’t predict or prevent, and it’s typically these that people get so paranoid about.

I came across a list of safety precautions recently that proclaimed, amidst a vast bore of mostly speculative measures, that “you’re better off paranoid than dead.” I have to disagree here. I would rather risk dying from some ludicrously unlikely death than spend every waking hour worrying about what might happen. This goes beyond the way you unlock your car in a dark car park; I’m talking about life attitude here.

Take sensible precautions, but understand that if Lady Luck and her dice hate you, there’s not a damn thing you’re going to be able to do about it.

A sorta different approach

Last week I turned twenty five, which is a really bad idea and I don’t recommend it at all. But I had a day out in London and an excursion to Thorpe Park with some friends so it was rather fun as birthdays go.

Anyway. As is now tradition for me at this time of year, I’m working on my yearly summary. It’s a kind of super diary entry for myself to record my past year of being 24 and what it was like, all the little things I might forget. Hopefully I’ll finish it before I have to do the next one.

Mutually Assured Denigration

Whatever happened to the Advertising Standards Authority?
I’m sure the government had a law at some point that said you can’t advertise your product merely by calling someone else’s rubbish (somewhat hypocritical, considering this is the cornerstone of political campaigning). I only remember this because I had to do a tedius essay on the whole thing back in GCSE business studies.

Yet one look around and we’ve got Tesco ripping the piss out of Sainsburys / ASDA. All the telecommunications companies are grassing on BT. And don’t even get me started on Macs and PCs. PC doesn’t count as a brand? What, because Windows is so inside our lives now it’s considered the work of divine intervention? Don’t get me wrong, I dislike Microsoft as much as any other mentally healthy human being. My point is that this whiny mewling is not going to make me like you, it’s going to make me dispise you even more than them.

When the advertising business was in its infancy, it was all quite innocent. “Coca Cola”, the bottle might say. “A healthy, tasty beverage” or something similar beneath. Often even more apocryphal, yes, but sometimes even the doctors didn’t know better. There still wasn’t all the dirty tricks we have assailing us now. Today ads are chocked with subliminal messages, layered meanings, psychological traps and emotional & attention groping tactics. It’s always annoyed me. But they couldn’t dish dirt on each other like a couple of schoolboy electoral candidates, which made it all better because you knew they had limits. They played by some rules. Now it seems like that’s gradually been ignored and ultimately trampled, like some commercial Treaty of Versailles.

I thought I’d take a quick look on the ASA’s website at their advertisement code. Sure enough, there’s a pretty weak rule that states as follows:

“5.4.3 Denigration

Advertisements must not discredit or unfairly attack other products or services, advertisers or advertisements either directly or by implication”
– Source: ASA

Of course, the term “unfairly” is open to almost endless abuse, but I think the sentiment here is clearly “you can’t sell shit by slagging off everyone else”. But I think all the advertising agencies know that ASA is a pushover stepdad.

Perhaps it’s just because I’m in my cranky old twenty-fifth year of age, but I am getting rather sick of this bickering on the TV and the Web. So how about you big yourselves up instead of just putting everyone else down, hmn?

In China they say: “If you rush, you’ll never get there.”

Perhaps it is just because of my advancing years, the hindsight of many a hundred moons, but I feel great exhaustion at the stress confronting me. China is barely one week away, and suddenly the plan is changed to get Tourist Visas. This is, as the Belgians said to the US army, a little late. I’m looking forward to being on that plane for many reasons, but right now the main one seems to be so I won’t have any more of this crap to sort out.

Well; that’s not entirely true. I’m definitely looking forward to us teaching these young China-lings the Way of the Goose, walking up hills which have steps (like all hills should) and hunting Chinese dragon (I hear they’re good game). But the relief to just have the damn thing finally sorted out is a holiday itself.

In between my diligent research into all things great and flammable, I picked up my $500 spending money today. This is apparently the best currency to use in China, as:

“The Chinese are dirty communists with no real currency and would sell their best flip flops for a dollar fifty.”
(encyclopedia Britannica, p.5235).

But I figure I’ll get some Yuan at some point (that’s the Chinese currency: a yuan = a small but amiable lizard), because you never know. A countries’ currency might come in handy when you go there!

I doubt it though.